Hi, here is a warning that this blog might be a little uncomfortable to read. So masturbating is seen as such a common, regular thing for people to do, but I hate it. The thought of masturbating literally makes my insides squirm (and not in the good way). I play it off as a joke and say “Oh, why would I do something if I can get someone else to do it for me?”, but deep down I know there is a different root to why I detest masturbation.
I have never felt 100% comfortable with my sexual expression. Being raised in an incredibly strict, religious household, I was told that my body was made for my husband to enjoy and nobody else before that. I can’t remember if I was even taught anything about masturbation, but if I was I am sure it was in a negative light. Like I said before, I was taught that God made my body for my husband. My body was not my own, and it wasn’t even supposed to be used for my pleasure, but for my husband’s. Makes sense why I wouldn’t masturbate while I was living with my mom. Now, here I am, 20 years old, very pansexual, and I still don’t masturbate.
When I was 16, my virginity was stolen from me (and that’s as much detail as I will give that situation) and made me very uncomfortable with the idea of sex, all around. A couple months went by and I started dating someone I was comfortable with and we had a pretty healthy sex life, for two 17 year olds. I had started being comfortable with sex, but I still had this warped idea that my body was not made for me, but made to satisfy the man in my life. Why would I masturbate? The thing is… I now know how screwed up my early thought process surrounding sex was. That doesn’t mean it has changed. Consciously, I let sex be about me, and I communicate about what I want, and I allow myself to enjoy sex. But I feel as if, subconsciously, the way I was raised still makes me feel ashamed, or dirty, when it comes to sexual acts. and THAT is why I don’t masturbate.
Even though I know that what I was taught while I was younger is incredibly wrong, I have never ever felt as if my body was my own or as if I could manipulate my body for my own pleasure. Whether or not that is something I am going to try to actively change, I don’t know yet. You know, why do something myself if I could have someone else do it for me? 😉 But seriously, what your kids get taught at a young age stays with them forever, whether they agree with it or not. So please, please, please, educate them correctly, and unbiased, and please never teach a woman that she was put on this earth to please someone else. Because THAT is a toxic mindset, and unfortunately something I am not sure I will ever get rid of, at least on a subconscious level.
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