Don’t worry, I’ll address an abnormal sexual behavior also, but I just wanted to comment on how messed up Freud’s ideology was. There was one bullet from the slides that just grinds my gears. “Freud taught that any sexual behavior that took precedence over heterosexual vaginal intercourse was immature and possibly a sign of serious psychological disturbance.”

So wait. My pansexual, non hetero-conforming, self is seriously psychologically disturbed? Well I might be, but not because I deviate from heterosexual vaginal intercourse.

Now onto the paraphilias. I have come across some wild fetishes online and I just wanted to talk about one that we didn’t talk about in class because I think it is absolutely bonkers and I don’t even know how the people who have this fetish think it would be possible. We’re talking about melissophilia. The sexual fetish for bees, wasps, and any insect that can sting.

I’m sorry to anyone who thinks this is normal, but this is batshit crazy. This is nothing like the Bee Movie, where a human falls in love with a bee, but these people literally catch bees with the intentions of getting them to sting their genitals. These people have reported catching bees in a jar, shaking them around so that they are drowsy and unable to fly away, and then they just giving them a mushroom stamp. This prompts the bee to sting them, killing the bee, and causing an intense rush of blood flow to the penis. Apparently this heightens sensitivity (duh? you just got stung on the penis by a bee?) and makes orgasms last longer and feel better.

I just struggle to understand why this is a course of action that anyone would find satisfaction in… I cry from a bee sting, how does it sexually arouse someone? Please comment if you have any thought or ideas related to this fetish because it’s baffling me and I just felt like it needed some attention.

Signing off from the semester, and college as a whole. See ya at graduation!

I was not in class on Tuesday, but my roommate, Melissa, came home and started telling me about class. She mentioned the Rice Purity Test (RPT) and I perked up and shouted “I’ve taken that before!” I think the first time I took the RPT was in high school, sitting in a circle with my friends, passing around a laptop and giggling while comparing our scores. I am 100% positive my score was HIIIGGGGHHH back then, but now not so much.

My RPT score, as of Tuesday night, is a…. I’m almost scared to admit it… it’s a 14. Cue Nelly Furtado and Timbaland

Until April of 2017, my score would have been much higher, but in April of 2017 I suffered one of the biggest heartbreaks so far in my life. That “first love” breakup, high school sweethearts, he was the 3rd person I was sexually active with. And then we broke up. And I went flying off the handle, as you can see by my score of 14. I was “free” for the first time since I started college and I just wanted to explore and get a taste of everything that was out there to experience. Who could blame me?

Instead of talking about the 86 (WOW) things on the list I have done, I wanna talk about the 14 points I didn’t get and why I haven’t explored, or why I am choosing to never go near some of those things. I went back into the test and selected instead, the one’s that I have not done and we’ll start with drug use. I have never done methamphetamine, crack cocaine, PCP, horse tranquilizers, or heroin. I have a strong stance against synthetic drugs, and I believe that you should never put them in your body. To the degree that I RARELY even take painkillers. If it’s not a natural substance, it’s not for me.

One that I have not done yet but I would LOVE to do at some point in my life is see a stripper! I have never seen a stripper in person! Shocking, I’m sure, for someone with a score of 14, but the opportunity just hasn’t presented itself yet.

I have never had the police handcuff me, been arrested, been convicted of a crime, or a felony. All things I would say I am very proud of. Definitely things I do not want to change. Continuing on, I have never joined the mile high club, unless you count foreplay, but I’ve been told by multiple people that it doesn’t count. Joining the mile high club isn’t necessarily something I am dying to do. I’m pretty claustrophobic and having intercourse in an airplane bathroom does not sound ideal to me.

I have never had sex with a virgin and I have never had anal sex. I would have sex with a virgin, depending on the person. Who knows? I might fall in love with a virgin, idk, doesn’t really matter to me, just not something I have come across yet. I, however, would never have anal sex. Does not matter who’s asking, I’m not doing it. The thought of it makes me want to hurl, and I guess it’s just not something I would ever be comfortable doing.

Now, the big ones that are all (kind of) obvious, I have never had an STI, I have never been impregnated, I have never committed an act of voyeurism, incest, or bestiality. As mentioned in a previous blog, I did think I had an STI once, but I didn’t so that’s a great thing and I am definitely not striving to mark that off my list. I chose to use the word “impregnated” because that is what the RPT used and I thought it was a bit… cold. But, no, I have never gotten pregnant (THANK GOD). Voyeurism, incest, and bestiality are some things that I would never go near. Wouldn’t even consider it. Consensual voyeurism could be cool I guess, but not for me. Incest and bestiality shouldn’t need an explanation.

But yeah. My Rice Purity Test score was a bit lower than I expected it to be. I am so glad that I stand by the things that I have not done and I have a clear understanding of whether or not each is something I would consider doing in the future.

About 2 and a half years ago, I thought I had genital warts. I didn’t tell anyone, I didn’t ask any of my friends or family for advice, I just called planned parenthood to go get tested. Turns out, I had some type of (non sexually-transmitted) viral infection called Molluscum that is super common in babies and toddlers. Strange, no one knew how I had gotten it, and I was treated, and it went away. Now I say all of this to mention that I was TERRIFIED of the idea that I had genitial warts. There is such a negative stigma around STIs and STDs but there isn’t a negative stigma around having sex? It’s not something that should make sense.

It’s perfectly socially acceptable to go out to the club, and go home with someone random. Sometimes people literally go out with the sole purpose of going home with someone. But God forbid you get an STD or an STI! That is just so looked down upon, and I feel like it is something that should be normalized, or at least to a degree.

Even with the fact that AIDS used to be called GRIDS… That specific STI was literally NAMED after the fact that there was a gay predominance. I think that’s BS. Everyone has sex. EVERYONE. Even most asexual people have had sex at least once in their lifetime. Why is the fact that STIs and STDs are a potential outcome of that seen in such a bad light? People don’t get shunned when they get cold sores or Mono from making out with someone random… Why are people so judged when they get the clap from someone random?

I am just tired of living in a world where people are constantly trying to put themselves on a tier above others. It’s tiresome and I don’t have the energy to try to keep up. Ask yourself why! Why are we so afraid to contract an STD or STI? Most of the common ones are treatable, so why? Are we scared of what it will say about us as a person? All it says is that we are sexually active, and that is a concept that is super normalized… so why aren’t STDs?

(yes I stole this term from Alex Mace)

Children annoy me. I have an automatic response to children; and it’s rolling my eyes and inching away. A couple weeks ago, I was on the monorail to Magic Kingdom (yes, I know I should expect kids), but this one little girl, she was probably around 5 or 6, would not stop touching me!!!! We were standing next to each other and she kept swinging around and just being unnecessary, like most children are. Would not stop bumping into me. I don’t know why the glares I was giving her, and her parents weren’t hinting enough at the fact that I was on the verge of screaming bloody murder, but nobody did anything to stop it, her parents didn’t even seem to notice. I wanted to just disappear, I felt like puking, basically kids disgust me.

I attribute most of my hatred towards children to the fact that my mom was a foster parent and for 6 straight years I was the oldest sibling of 5 kids aged between 2 and 6 years old. Constantly exchanging the kids that found forever homes for new kids, I was consistently having to parent these little kids, because my mom was too busy to handle 6 kids as a single parent, whether she wanted to admit it or not. I strongly believe that all that time spent taking care of kids that weren’t even biologically related to me (that sounds really offensive, I loved the kids, and I am so proud of all of the love and care we had poured into each one of them) has just tired me out and I have 0 desire to have and raise kids of my own.

I also recognize that this idea might change and when I am like in my 30s, I may change my mind and decide I want kids. Doubtful, but I need to admit it’s a possibility. I am a very career driven person, and that is what I look forward to when I think about adulthood. Especially now that I have decided on what I want to get my Master’s degree in (Neuroscience). I don’t like the idea of getting into a career path and then suddenly having to take time off to stay at home with an infant, or even the idea of going through childbirth?! Like! WhAT??? Who looks at childbirth and thinks, yeah I can’t wait to do that? Not me, that’s for sure. I am the kind of person who would much rather live my adult life for me. Work on my career, and life satisfaction. If I do decide to have kids when I am MUCH older, I could see myself being the type of person who tells my partner to be a stay at home parent.

My mom was a stay at home parent, and I know that it can be soooo beneficial. I also know that stay at home parenting is NOT for me. Maybe my partner, I don’t know. We can cross that bridge when I get there. One of my biggest apprehensions towards becoming a parent is the fact that I have some anger management issues. Not on a large scale, really. Have you ever heard of someone referring to their emotions as a volcano? That’s me. Everything just bottles up until I snap and I can’t hold back and I don’t apologize when people get stuck in the crossfire. Babies can’t avoid that. I am deeply afraid that I would be the kind of mother to give my baby Shaken Baby Syndrome, or something along those lines.

Basically, in my mind, it’s calming to think and say “No, I don’t want kids.” It alleviates a lot of stress that comes with thinking about kids, for me. And maybe I will change my mind one day, maybe I won’t. But as of today… No crotch goblins for me.

I tried, I really did try, to find another topic to write about this week. Nothing stood out as something that would be impactful enough for me to not write about abortion. Long story short, I mentioned it in class, but I don’t like talking about abortion much because hi, hello, I am produce of a failed abortion.

Even that sentence felt incredibly dehumanizing and here I am, writing it about myself. The thing is, I am pro-choice, 100%. I believe strongly that every woman should be able to make the decision based on her own life and her own circumstances. But when I really sit down to think about it. I was a hairline from just… not existing. Calling myself “produce” of a failed abortion sounds pretty bad, but in reality, isn’t that exactly what they call aborted fetal tissue? Byproduct? It’s not easy for an abortion to fail, which makes me feel important, I guess. There had to have been some sort of greater hand in this, but that’s not up for me to determine.

The thing with abortion is… most women who get abortions either accidentally got pregnant, lack a supportive partner, or got pregnant through sexual assault. While I don’t believe that any of these things just excuse the fact that a potential mother is just removing her potential baby, I do strongly believe that this is a decision that must be made on a case by case basis. Each woman must make her own decision for her own life. In a way, I am proud of my mom for making the decision to attempt to abort me. My dad was not in the picture at the time (they were seperated and got back together after the abortion didn’t work and my dad and I have a great relationship and thanks to me we also have my little sister), and my mom made the decision that she thought would be best for her.

If I was in the position where I was unexpectedly pregnant, I can’t say I know what I would do. I would like to say that I wouldn’t get an abortion. Mainly because I know what it feels like to grow up knowing that your mother tried to have an abortion. I did not feel wanted by my mother, since I knew that she blatantly tried to remove my fetus from her uterus. But I am stubborn, and here I am anyway. While I know that failed abortions are extremely rare, and I am an anomaly, I would never want to potentially put my child through the amount of rejection and emotional turmoil that I experienced being a product of a failed abortion.

I will leave you with one question. Rhetorical, of course. If the product of a failed abortion is a live baby… What is the product of an effective abortion?

Hi, I’m Hannah, and I’m pansexual. Quite a lot of people make jokes about how that means I am attracted to frying pans, which honestly pisses me off. How immature. I think it’s pretty rude to have someone be transparent with you about their sexuality and you to just turn around and make it into a joke. But, we are here to talk about me, and my journey to discovering that I am 100% pansexual and I don’t feel as if any other label fits me as well as this one.

My sexuality/romanticism has been something I have been questioning for a long while. I started questioning the expectation to be straight when I was about 14. I say it was an expectation, not only because it is typically what society says is normal, but it’s also what is considered normal in a strongly religious household, like mine. When I was young, I didn’t fully understand the spectrum of sexuality, since I just wasn’t taught about it. In my religious household, I was taught a woman was to lay with a man, and any relations with the same sex would be considered a sin and I would basically be damned to hell. That’s it! That is all I was taught about the wide spectrum of sexuality that humans can fall on.

The first time I ‘came out’ I told people that I was a lesbian. At this point, that was all I knew there to be. Straight and gay and nothing in between. I knew that I was sexually attracted to men as well, but I was under the impression that if I wasn’t 100% straight, I was gay. So I was a lesbian! Then this is where the ride gets wild. I was sexually assaulted by someone I was close to (we won’t get into detail) and I developed severe PTSD. I started identifying as Asexual, meaning I didn’t experience any kind of sexual attraction. At this point in my life, that was very true. I was very emotionally scarred by the traumatic experience I had and my PTSD would result in flashbacks whenever a new, consensual, sexual experience presented itself.

A couple years down the road, I have been going to therapy, I have started learning about the sexuality spectrum (THANKS INTERNET), and I started identifying as bisexual because I learned that to be the label for people who found attraction to both genders. ME! Finally a label for me, or so I thought. It wasn’t until recently that I started hearing about pansexuality and actually starting to research what that meant and what a pansexual person’s experience was like. Basically pansexual people are attracted to others regardless of gender. I like to say, “I’m attracted to people, not parts.” I had always just said oh, I am bisexual, but I’m a personality person. It wasn’t until I really found the term pansexual that I realized me being a “personality person” went so much deeper than that.

Hi! It’s the first day of November and that means Christmas!! Hello the most wonderful, happy, STRESSFUL time of year! So for this blog, I’m gonna keep it a little light-hearted and, as usual, make some people uncomfortable. I am incredibly comfortable talking about my sex life/experiences/fantasies/etc. AND that is exactly (kind-of) what I am going to talk about in this blog. Sexual fantasies, and how some people (including myself) don’t realize they had a fantasy until it’s happening.

So. Let’s dive in. Halloween season is currently upon us, and for lack of a better term, this is a perfect opportunity for role play, if you’re into that sort of thing. Now this is the part where we get into having dormant sexual fantasies. Personally, I didn’t think I had any “fantasies”. There isn’t anything wild or crazy (that I haven’t already done) that I have the desire to try. Or at least I thought. Until Halloween. And now we know role play is something that is 100% a sexual fantasy of mine. Don’t worry, I’ll spare you the details, but after I had this realization, I asked around my friend group to see if anything like this had happened to them.

One of my friends, lets call her Alison (not her actual name), said that this has happened to her too! She apparently is in to voyeurism. This isn’t something she had ever fantasized about until she had heard a story from one of her friends. One of Alison’s friends had a consensual, voyeuristic experience, and Alison realized that it was something she would like to try. It wasn’t a fantasy that she had developed after becoming sexually active, and exploring her own sexuality. Like my situation with role play, it wasn’t until she heard about it that she knew she wanted to try it. The situations are a little different because role-play is fairly common, while voyeurism is not.

Some might argue that Alison didn’t know she has a voyeuristic fantasy because she didn’t know what voyeurism was. In response to this, I would argue that someone with a preconceived voyeuristic fantasy would still know that they had a fantasy of watching other people have sex or wanting an audience while they participate in sexual acts. Without knowing the term voyeurism, Alison still would have known about the fantasy, she just would not have been able to describe it with the correct terms. With my role-play situation, I knew what role-play was, and I knew that it’s not really seen as “taboo” but it was just never something I REALLY wanted to try, until recently! But hey! Now we know!

Fantasies can develop over time, and with the stories I have heard, and my first-hand experience, I hypothesize that there is a possibility that people can grow out of fantasies too. Here I am, 20 years old, finding out I like role play, but I don’t know if my sexual palette will change by the time I’m 40, 50, 60. Who knows? Not me.

Hi, here is a warning that this blog might be a little uncomfortable to read. So masturbating is seen as such a common, regular thing for people to do, but I hate it. The thought of masturbating literally makes my insides squirm (and not in the good way). I play it off as a joke and say “Oh, why would I do something if I can get someone else to do it for me?”, but deep down I know there is a different root to why I detest masturbation.

I have never felt 100% comfortable with my sexual expression. Being raised in an incredibly strict, religious household, I was told that my body was made for my husband to enjoy and nobody else before that. I can’t remember if I was even taught anything about masturbation, but if I was I am sure it was in a negative light. Like I said before, I was taught that God made my body for my husband. My body was not my own, and it wasn’t even supposed to be used for my pleasure, but for my husband’s. Makes sense why I wouldn’t masturbate while I was living with my mom. Now, here I am, 20 years old, very pansexual, and I still don’t masturbate.

When I was 16, my virginity was stolen from me (and that’s as much detail as I will give that situation) and made me very uncomfortable with the idea of sex, all around. A couple months went by and I started dating someone I was comfortable with and we had a pretty healthy sex life, for two 17 year olds. I had started being comfortable with sex, but I still had this warped idea that my body was not made for me, but made to satisfy the man in my life. Why would I masturbate? The thing is… I now know how screwed up my early thought process surrounding sex was. That doesn’t mean it has changed. Consciously, I let sex be about me, and I communicate about what I want, and I allow myself to enjoy sex. But I feel as if, subconsciously, the way I was raised still makes me feel ashamed, or dirty, when it comes to sexual acts. and THAT is why I don’t masturbate.

Even though I know that what I was taught while I was younger is incredibly wrong, I have never ever felt as if my body was my own or as if I could manipulate my body for my own pleasure. Whether or not that is something I am going to try to actively change, I don’t know yet. You know, why do something myself if I could have someone else do it for me? 😉 But seriously, what your kids get taught at a young age stays with them forever, whether they agree with it or not. So please, please, please, educate them correctly, and unbiased, and please never teach a woman that she was put on this earth to please someone else. Because THAT is a toxic mindset, and unfortunately something I am not sure I will ever get rid of, at least on a subconscious level.

In class I had actually said that I didn’t think that the attachment styles model of adult relationships was the best. After taking the questionnaire and reading more into the attachment style I scored highly in, I changed my mind completely.

I scored a 91 in the anxious/ambivalent attachment style. Pretty high on the scale if you ask me. People with anxious/ambivalent styles typically had inconsistent or overbearing caregivers as infants. Looking back at my childhood, it hit a little too close for comfort. My mom had a lot of anger, from things I probably have no clue about. However, it was always directed towards me. With this attachment style, infants are typically anxious because of the unpredictable responses from their caregivers. I, as a child, never knew if my mom was going to be angry with me or be having a good day.

How does this affect me now? One might ask. Well. I have a lot of anxiety. This highly reflects in my love-styles scores, which I talked about last week. Highest in Eros, and Mania, or just highly anxious. I often doubt the strength of my relationships and I am always concerned that I will not be enough, or that it will be easy for someone to just stop wanting to be with me.

I guess now that I know where my insecurities are rooted, it should be easier to deal with them and not let them affect the way I live my life. Right?

I am definitely the kind of person that looooves to take online personality quizzes. Enneagrams, Meyers-Briggs, and all of those other personality quizzes that make us feel validated. Surprisingly, I had never heard of this love styles questionnaire. My mom had showed me the “love languages” (Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, etc.), but I was excited to see what my love style was from a different perspective.

So my highest is Eros (32) and my second highest is Mania (30)… which begs the question, “Am I just crazy?” Eros is described as powerful, passionate, and romantic, but as Dr. Law so adamantly discussed, this is not the “romance” that typically comes to mind. It’s more of an emotion between the two people. As Eros is depicted as “fast-moving”, I definitely agree that this is me. My partner and I met on a Saturday, and were officially dating the following Tuesday.

In class, Dr. Law claimed the Princess Bride was an example of Eros love, but I see it as more Agapic. Maybe because it’s one of my favorite movies of all time, but still. Agape is described as a generous and selfless love, and it could be argued that Wesley is exactly that.

It kind of makes me mad that Mania is my second highest, but that is only because it highlights things that I have previously recognized in myself and I am trying to change them. Am I a jealous person? Yes. Am I an anxious person? Yes. I really don’t like the word obsessive, even though I know there is some truth to it. Mania is a tricky one to be able to put a positive spin on. I feel like Mania is not a bad thing, if you consciously know that it’s influences are present and you mindfully approach relationships. If you just throw caution to the wind, and let the Manic love style rule your life, then you could get into some messy situations and end up getting hurt. Either by your own actions or by the way someone receives your actions. Not a recipe for greatness, in my opinion, but here I am. Just an erotic, manic, jumble of mess.